...the scars of your love...

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch,
it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go head and sell me out
and I'll lay your shit bare

See how I leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And its bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I’ve heard one of you
And I’m gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
It Reminds you of the home we shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turned my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could have had it all
We could have had it all
It all, it all it all,
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it
To the beat

...in love with the wrong person...

You wondered how you’d make it through.
I wondered what was wrong with you.

Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me?

Sometimes the only thing you’re looking for,
is the one thing you can’t see.


“Because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.*

...9 crimes

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No...

....

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

wenn ich schreibe...

....wie groß ich bin-weisst du dann etwas über meine Figur?
oder wie es sich anfühlt wenn wir uns umarmen.

...wenn ich dir sage dass ich blaue Augen habe
weisst du dann wie diese Augen dich anschauen?

...Wenn ich schreibe dass ich selbstbewusst bin
weisst du dann ob es auf dich nicht vielleicht arrogant wirkt?

...wenn ich behaupte humorvoll zu sein
weisst du dann ob mein Humor auf dich nicht vielleicht albern wirkt?

...wenn ich etwas über meine Bildung oder meinen Beruf sage
weisst du dann wie intelligent ich bin?

...wenn ich mich selbst als einen sehr spontanen Menschen
beschreibe weisst du dann ob diese Spontanität auf dich nicht eher wie ungeduld wirkt?

Lernt mich einfach kennen bevor ihr über mich urteilt....

...if it kills me...

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

Ein perfekter Tag

„Ein perfekter Tag“, lautet das Thema. Stille. Kaum hören meine Synapsen das Wörtchen perfekt, herrscht ein wildes Durcheinander in meinem Kopf. Ein perfekter Tag - eine unlösbare Aufgabe für mich? Wie sieht so ein Tag aus? Ich weiß keine Antwort. Tausend Gedanken, und das soll ich alles in einen Tag packen? So viel Zeit habe ich nicht. Wie sieht er aus? Gibt es denn den perfekten Tag? Ich beginne zu grübeln. Natürlich ist es ein Tag ohne Büro. Das heißt, ohne Wecker klingeln. Und schon zerfließt mein perfekter Tag in Wenn und Aber. Arbeit sollte auch mit eingeplant werden.

Ich stelle mir vor, ich wache neben dir auf und weiß genau es ist kein Traum. Du liegst neben mir im Bett und schläfst. Ich sehe mich im Raum um und stelle fest, ich bin in einer Blockhütte. Im Kamin liegt noch Glut vom Tag zuvor. Es gibt kein Telefon und keinen Fernseher in der Hütte. Ich sehe durchs Fenster. Es sind einfache Fenster, keine Doppelverglasung. Eisblumen zieren die Scheibe. Ein eigenartiges Licht ist draußen. Ich mache die Türe auf und sehe Schnee. Wir sind in den Bergen und es hat die Nacht über geschneit. Ich mache Frühstück und weil ich so herum poltere wirst du wach. Dann öffnest auch du die Türe und siehst den Schnee. Schon ist klar, dass wir nach dem Frühstück im Schnee spazieren gehen. Nach dem Spaziergang geht’s auf den Weg ins Büro.

Im Büro angekommen, scheint heute alles wie am Schnürchen zu laufen und die Arbeit geht mir total leicht von der Hand. Tolle Gespräche, kreative Meetings und ein erfolgreicher Projektabschluss runden die Stunden im Büro ab. Da es ein perfekter Tag ist, mach ich mich um 3 auf den Heimweg.

Schnell in die Sportklamotten und raus ne Runde Joggen – anschließend daheim angekommen gibt es ein wenig Wellness und Schönheitspflege und ich genieße den Luxus einer Badewanne am helllichten Tag und denke über den perfekten Tag nach.

Mit Sicherheit hat der perfekte Tag viel Zeit zum Relaxen, Sportlern, Filme schauen, Zeit um mit einer Freundin Kaffee zu trinken und dazu Kuchen zu genießen, der bestimmt keine Kalorien auf der Hüfte hinterlässt. Vielleicht könnte zum perfekten Tag noch ein romantisches Abendessen zu zweit gehören. Und selbstverständlich ein Nachmittag auf dem Sofa, mit dicken Socken und einem guten Buch.
Was mir aber während dieser Grübelei auffällt? Für mich gibt es diesen perfekten Tag gar nicht, denn es wäre purer Stress, das alles in einen Tag zu drücken.

Zurück zu meinem perfekten Tag. Nach dem feinen Bad zieh ich mir was schönes an und mache mich hübsch - um mich dann so auf einen schönen gemütlichen Abend mit Freunden und leckerem Essen zu freuen...

Doch, ich finde schon, so einen Tag kann man durchaus als perfekten Tag bezeichnen.
Aber jeder Tag hat diese perfekten Momente, die so gar nicht perfekt anfangen... man muss nur die Augen aufmachen und bereit sein, diese Momente zu entdecken und zu genießen.

zeit heilt alle wunden...

...so hört man immer wieder
wenn man am Boden zerstört
keinen Sonnenstrahl mehr sieht.
Heilt sie wirklich?
Oder lässt sie nur verblassen
was keiner mehr sehn will
was alle am liebsten
vergessen wollen?
Manche Wunden mögen heilen,
doch Narben bleiben immer,
manchmal nur ganz kleine
die man nur bemerkt
bei genauem Hinsehen...
Doch auch die kleinen Narben
können plötzlich aufbrechen,
unerwartet und erschreckend.
Und dann stellen wir bestürzt fest,
dass die Wunde doch noch weh tut.
Doch sie sind wichtig, diese Narben,
weil sie uns erinnern,
dass wir nicht allmächtig sind
und dass wir sind, was wir sind
durch alle Erfahrungen hindurch
die unser Leben ausmachten.
Und wenn es uns gelingt,
dennoch nach vorn zu schauen,
trotz Narben auch das Schöne
wahrzunehmen und zu genießen,
dann hat Heilung eingesetzt...

wishful mail to j.....

...
...es gibt das sprichwort: sei - wer du bist und sag was du fühlst! denn diejenigen die es stört auf die kommt es nicht an - und diejenigen die dir wichtig sind - stört es ganz bestimmt nicht.

somit sag ich jetzt was ich denke, in der hoffnung es stört dich nicht.

ich weiss, du brauchst deine zeit und du möchtest alleine gelassen werden. das versteh ich auch, nur zu gut. würde aber gern doch die spielregeln etwas konkreter ausmachen - damit ich weiss wie ich mich verhalten soll....


was kann ich tun, damit du dich wohl fühlst?


wie du weisst waren wir schon mal an dem punkt....und ich bin auch vorsichtiger geworden. nur zu gern würd ich meiner schwester von dir erzählen....habe aber angst, dass meine seifenblase morgen zerplatzt?
leider kenn ich dich noch zuwenig um genau zu verstehen wie es in dir ausschaut!

keinesfalls möchte ich dich überrumpeln oder irgendwo hineindrängen wo du nicht hinmöchtest....möcht nur gern wissen wo ich hingehöre oder ob ich überhaupt irgendwo hingehöre....


im moment, denk ich - dass dieses mail das genaue gegenteil heraufbeschwört als zb die schönen lustigen stunden von letztem fr abend.

J: du kennst mich, und weisst dass ich mit klartext reden sehr gut umgehen kann....


well babe....i really wish i would be strong enough to send you this email....but i am scared as hell! i will try to give you the time you need...and i am hoping you find the strength to be ready for US....keep in mind...its not easy for me as well...
i miss you....

roller coaster....

....feelings! you sometimes feel that for the person you love. One minute, that person can do no wrong and the next minute, you hate them. Why does your situation seem so bleak and love so black and white?
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!

what do u need me to do or say - to make you happy? do u want me to say i love you? or that i need you....and do u need to hear it really hurts the way u act right now.

he seems to say everything is ok....but why doesnt it feel like it is?
my guts do tell me i should get over it.....but somehow i think - that there is something worth fighting for!

the only thing i wanna discuss is: one deal babe....iff u do arrange a date with me - be there....if your not sure...or if u do think there might be no time....just dont say anything. and it will be ok....

J - i love you!

I've learned in my lifetime....

.....so far that you can't
help who you fall for and no matter how hard you
try and how much it hurts you everyday that you
just wanna be with them or just talk to them you
never stop trying to make them happy by the little
things you say or do because thats what makes your
life worth going on for....

everytime i put my heart out it gets crushed....

how can...

...I forget you when your always on my mind? How can I not want you when your all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can't see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

....It's Time, Finally, to Move On and Start Over

Maybe it's time for a new lease on life.

You know it - Your spirit knows it

Is it time for you to move on, to seek greener pastures, to move to a better place where you're not only appreciated but your luck is better? Where you'll meet new people and new people will meet and be intrigued by you? A place where you can relate your story and, unbelievably, they listen to you!

You're in the wrong place at the wrong time of your life and you know it.

"Your whole physical system knows that this is the way to be alive in this world and the way to give the very best that you have to offer. There is a track just waiting there for each of us, and once on it, doors will open that were not open before and would not open for anyone else." I took the leap and, sure enough, a safety net appeared rather quickly.

So maybe it's time for a new lease on life, a change of pace, and a beginning in a place that fosters and nourishes your creativity, supports you,´....

"Sometimes you can do all the right things and still fail."

This is my story...

...I feel like a goldfish stuck in a bowl, I am waiting for something, that I can control - If this is my screenplay I don't like my role. But dreaming out loud wo'nt get me far, I am still wondering what's going on. If that's what it takes then I'll sell my soul, I shouldn't care shouldn't care - but I do and that's sometimes - Too hard to bear, Still walking the same road, with my schoes full of holes- Just waiting for something to control. A silent surrender we'll never get close, You swallowed it whole...

Looking for ways to be satisfied

goodbye my almost lover..

You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

This song brings me back to a place I can never forget. The hurt and the sorrow which every person deals with in their own way, is so painful it seems unbearable. I feel she speaks from the depths of my own heart and says the words I never had the guts to say. We have to all forgive first ourselves for being so naive to the situation before getting over the person who stole our hearts. The misconception that someone can change is our faults. Miscommunication on our parts. Believing is in our nature but it is our duty to ask questions to know the truth of the situation. Assuming is a fault. We are guilty of this. Even asking, is a problem. If you have to ask, you have doubt. This is very sad. Love should come to a relationship (or growing relationship) without question. We fool ourselves into believeing the fairy tale we were bred to some day live. Not every one will have a happy ending. All of us will hurt and bleed and ache. We will all realize life is not what it seems and that its impossible to avoid it. The feeling that your doing it all right is always wrong. You cannot make everyone happy, you can only wish them happiness. This song expresses that. I still feel sorrow for my almost lover. After three years of trying to fool myself into believing i could change the situation, I was left broken and alone. I don’t know what I expected. Marriage? It seems unreal to me. What if it happens again? What if i’m unhappy? What if?… Scary thought. I’m stronger now. I’m greatful to my almost lover for showing me the way to my self. For helping me realize who my friends were and helping me to never make the same bad decisions again. It wasnt a mistake, i dont regret trying. There were times things were good. I was in love. Its a feeling that consumes you and keeps you from realization of the truth. Be stong, be brave and always aware that the decisions you make are the fate of your future.

A couple years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything...

...I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.

But now I find I can't stop wanting.

I want to fly somewhere in first class.
I want to learn about the world.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to be important.
I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to define myself instead of having others to define me.
I want to win and have people be happy for me.
I want to lose and get over it.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up to be generous and bighearted the way that people have been with me.
I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things,
I just want the possibility of getting them.

The possibility that things are going to change.

Bitte geh nicht.....

Du weißt, dass die Zeit mir nur gestohlene Stunden waren. Ich fühle mich geborgen bei dir. Ohne mich wirst du freier sein.

Schiere Angst drückt auf meine Brust und mein Herz hämmert verzweifelt dagegen.
Ich liege splitternackt im Bett. Es ist heiß und die Decke an die ich mich klammere, einfach um mich wenigstens irgendwo festzuhalten, ist viel zu warm.

Wer bin ich denn, wenn du mich verlässt?
Ein wenig mehr du selbst.
Wie kann ich mehr ich sein, wenn ich dich doch verlier? Bitte geh noch nicht.
Ein letztes mal für dich.

Ich bin allein und mit geschlossenen Augen blicke ich in mein eigenes Gesicht. Ich drücke meine Hände rechts und links neben meinem Kopf fest in meine weiche Schlafstätte und mir scheint, als würde sie dort jemand mit festem Griff fixieren. Die Berührungen sind mir so vertraut und doch so beängstigend fremd.

Wer bist du?
Wer bin ich?
Und warum willst du gehen?

Leb wohl meine Liebe.

... a kiss always means something ...

You should've thought of that last night. You know I keep... I keep putting myself out there and you keep blowing it and it's probably a good thing because at this point there is nothing that you can say or do that's gonna surprise me!

I was the one...

...who would always
jump in first
Didn't think twice
to look behind
Got such a good feeling,
just from playing
in the dirt
Once,
when I was little

We could build a rocket,
fly to the moon
Leave Tuesday morning,
and be back for noon
There wasn't nothing,
nothing that we couldn't do
Once, when I was little umm
Once, when I was little

Yeah I could dream more then
Yeah I believed more then
That the world
could only get better
Yeah I was free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little
umm ohh lalala

There was a time
when I trusted everyone
Yes I did
There was no place
that I would not go oh no
Spend a day on the hillside
next to the holly mo
Oh once, when I was little
Yea once, when I, I was little

Yeah I could dream more then
Yeah I believe more then
That this world
could only get better
Yeah I was free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little

Used to feel so strong
Even when they tell me,
tell me I was wrong
That I can't live
in a magic world
Cause it's time
for me to grow up
That I got to be
like the rest of them
When I know
there acting up ohh

I could believe more
then yes I could
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only get better
I could believe more
then yes I could
I could pretend more then

That this world could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little
When I was little

So here comes the next one,
the next in line
Stay as young you can,
for the longest time
Cause those days flew by
Like a breeze
just passing through
Once, when I was little

fear....

Never grow old. Never die. Never know fear again.