wishful mail to j.....

...
...es gibt das sprichwort: sei - wer du bist und sag was du fühlst! denn diejenigen die es stört auf die kommt es nicht an - und diejenigen die dir wichtig sind - stört es ganz bestimmt nicht.

somit sag ich jetzt was ich denke, in der hoffnung es stört dich nicht.

ich weiss, du brauchst deine zeit und du möchtest alleine gelassen werden. das versteh ich auch, nur zu gut. würde aber gern doch die spielregeln etwas konkreter ausmachen - damit ich weiss wie ich mich verhalten soll....


was kann ich tun, damit du dich wohl fühlst?


wie du weisst waren wir schon mal an dem punkt....und ich bin auch vorsichtiger geworden. nur zu gern würd ich meiner schwester von dir erzählen....habe aber angst, dass meine seifenblase morgen zerplatzt?
leider kenn ich dich noch zuwenig um genau zu verstehen wie es in dir ausschaut!

keinesfalls möchte ich dich überrumpeln oder irgendwo hineindrängen wo du nicht hinmöchtest....möcht nur gern wissen wo ich hingehöre oder ob ich überhaupt irgendwo hingehöre....


im moment, denk ich - dass dieses mail das genaue gegenteil heraufbeschwört als zb die schönen lustigen stunden von letztem fr abend.

J: du kennst mich, und weisst dass ich mit klartext reden sehr gut umgehen kann....


well babe....i really wish i would be strong enough to send you this email....but i am scared as hell! i will try to give you the time you need...and i am hoping you find the strength to be ready for US....keep in mind...its not easy for me as well...
i miss you....

roller coaster....

....feelings! you sometimes feel that for the person you love. One minute, that person can do no wrong and the next minute, you hate them. Why does your situation seem so bleak and love so black and white?
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!

what do u need me to do or say - to make you happy? do u want me to say i love you? or that i need you....and do u need to hear it really hurts the way u act right now.

he seems to say everything is ok....but why doesnt it feel like it is?
my guts do tell me i should get over it.....but somehow i think - that there is something worth fighting for!

the only thing i wanna discuss is: one deal babe....iff u do arrange a date with me - be there....if your not sure...or if u do think there might be no time....just dont say anything. and it will be ok....

J - i love you!

I've learned in my lifetime....

.....so far that you can't
help who you fall for and no matter how hard you
try and how much it hurts you everyday that you
just wanna be with them or just talk to them you
never stop trying to make them happy by the little
things you say or do because thats what makes your
life worth going on for....

everytime i put my heart out it gets crushed....

how can...

...I forget you when your always on my mind? How can I not want you when your all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can't see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

....It's Time, Finally, to Move On and Start Over

Maybe it's time for a new lease on life.

You know it - Your spirit knows it

Is it time for you to move on, to seek greener pastures, to move to a better place where you're not only appreciated but your luck is better? Where you'll meet new people and new people will meet and be intrigued by you? A place where you can relate your story and, unbelievably, they listen to you!

You're in the wrong place at the wrong time of your life and you know it.

"Your whole physical system knows that this is the way to be alive in this world and the way to give the very best that you have to offer. There is a track just waiting there for each of us, and once on it, doors will open that were not open before and would not open for anyone else." I took the leap and, sure enough, a safety net appeared rather quickly.

So maybe it's time for a new lease on life, a change of pace, and a beginning in a place that fosters and nourishes your creativity, supports you,´....

"Sometimes you can do all the right things and still fail."

This is my story...

...I feel like a goldfish stuck in a bowl, I am waiting for something, that I can control - If this is my screenplay I don't like my role. But dreaming out loud wo'nt get me far, I am still wondering what's going on. If that's what it takes then I'll sell my soul, I shouldn't care shouldn't care - but I do and that's sometimes - Too hard to bear, Still walking the same road, with my schoes full of holes- Just waiting for something to control. A silent surrender we'll never get close, You swallowed it whole...

Looking for ways to be satisfied

goodbye my almost lover..

You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

This song brings me back to a place I can never forget. The hurt and the sorrow which every person deals with in their own way, is so painful it seems unbearable. I feel she speaks from the depths of my own heart and says the words I never had the guts to say. We have to all forgive first ourselves for being so naive to the situation before getting over the person who stole our hearts. The misconception that someone can change is our faults. Miscommunication on our parts. Believing is in our nature but it is our duty to ask questions to know the truth of the situation. Assuming is a fault. We are guilty of this. Even asking, is a problem. If you have to ask, you have doubt. This is very sad. Love should come to a relationship (or growing relationship) without question. We fool ourselves into believeing the fairy tale we were bred to some day live. Not every one will have a happy ending. All of us will hurt and bleed and ache. We will all realize life is not what it seems and that its impossible to avoid it. The feeling that your doing it all right is always wrong. You cannot make everyone happy, you can only wish them happiness. This song expresses that. I still feel sorrow for my almost lover. After three years of trying to fool myself into believing i could change the situation, I was left broken and alone. I don’t know what I expected. Marriage? It seems unreal to me. What if it happens again? What if i’m unhappy? What if?… Scary thought. I’m stronger now. I’m greatful to my almost lover for showing me the way to my self. For helping me realize who my friends were and helping me to never make the same bad decisions again. It wasnt a mistake, i dont regret trying. There were times things were good. I was in love. Its a feeling that consumes you and keeps you from realization of the truth. Be stong, be brave and always aware that the decisions you make are the fate of your future.

A couple years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything...

...I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.

But now I find I can't stop wanting.

I want to fly somewhere in first class.
I want to learn about the world.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to be important.
I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to define myself instead of having others to define me.
I want to win and have people be happy for me.
I want to lose and get over it.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up to be generous and bighearted the way that people have been with me.
I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things,
I just want the possibility of getting them.

The possibility that things are going to change.

Bitte geh nicht.....

Du weißt, dass die Zeit mir nur gestohlene Stunden waren. Ich fühle mich geborgen bei dir. Ohne mich wirst du freier sein.

Schiere Angst drückt auf meine Brust und mein Herz hämmert verzweifelt dagegen.
Ich liege splitternackt im Bett. Es ist heiß und die Decke an die ich mich klammere, einfach um mich wenigstens irgendwo festzuhalten, ist viel zu warm.

Wer bin ich denn, wenn du mich verlässt?
Ein wenig mehr du selbst.
Wie kann ich mehr ich sein, wenn ich dich doch verlier? Bitte geh noch nicht.
Ein letztes mal für dich.

Ich bin allein und mit geschlossenen Augen blicke ich in mein eigenes Gesicht. Ich drücke meine Hände rechts und links neben meinem Kopf fest in meine weiche Schlafstätte und mir scheint, als würde sie dort jemand mit festem Griff fixieren. Die Berührungen sind mir so vertraut und doch so beängstigend fremd.

Wer bist du?
Wer bin ich?
Und warum willst du gehen?

Leb wohl meine Liebe.

... a kiss always means something ...

You should've thought of that last night. You know I keep... I keep putting myself out there and you keep blowing it and it's probably a good thing because at this point there is nothing that you can say or do that's gonna surprise me!

I was the one...

...who would always
jump in first
Didn't think twice
to look behind
Got such a good feeling,
just from playing
in the dirt
Once,
when I was little

We could build a rocket,
fly to the moon
Leave Tuesday morning,
and be back for noon
There wasn't nothing,
nothing that we couldn't do
Once, when I was little umm
Once, when I was little

Yeah I could dream more then
Yeah I believed more then
That the world
could only get better
Yeah I was free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little
umm ohh lalala

There was a time
when I trusted everyone
Yes I did
There was no place
that I would not go oh no
Spend a day on the hillside
next to the holly mo
Oh once, when I was little
Yea once, when I, I was little

Yeah I could dream more then
Yeah I believe more then
That this world
could only get better
Yeah I was free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little

Used to feel so strong
Even when they tell me,
tell me I was wrong
That I can't live
in a magic world
Cause it's time
for me to grow up
That I got to be
like the rest of them
When I know
there acting up ohh

I could believe more
then yes I could
I could pretend more then
That this life could
only get better
I could believe more
then yes I could
I could pretend more then

That this world could
only show me good times
Once, when I was little
When I was little

So here comes the next one,
the next in line
Stay as young you can,
for the longest time
Cause those days flew by
Like a breeze
just passing through
Once, when I was little

fear....

Never grow old. Never die. Never know fear again.

Heaven. Hell. Limbo...

...No-one even knows where we're going. Or what's waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say, with absolute certainty, is that there are moments that take us to another place. Moments of Heaven on Earth. And maybe for now, that's all we need to know

Razorlight - Wire To Wire

What is love but the strangest of feelings?
A sin you swallow for the rest of your life?
You've been looking for someone to believe in
To love you, until your eyes run dry

She lives on disillusion road
We go where the wild blood flows
On our bodies we share the same scar
Love me, wherever you are

How do you love with a fate full of rust?
How do you turn what the savage take?
You've been looking for someone you can trust
To love you, again and again

How do you love in a house without feelings?
How do you turn what that savage take?
I've been looking for someone to believe in
Love me, again and again

She lives by disillusions glow
We go where the wild blood flows
On our bodies, we share the same scar

How do you love on a night without feelings?
She says "love, I hear sound, I see fury"
She says "love's not a hostile condition"
Love me, wherever you are

Love me, wherever you are
Love me, wherever you are
Wherever you are

the past is always with us....

...just waiting to mess with the present.
stimmt das oder kann mann doch seine sterne neu ordnen? in den letzten monaten hat sich für mich körperlich einiges geändert - bin ganze 23kg leichter! das war doch der gute vorsatz im jahr 08 - hmmm dass ich zuerst nochmal 8kg zunehmen musste um mich wirklich dahinter zu klemmen wusste ich natürlich da noch nicht.
heuer gibts keine guten vorsätze nur neue pläne - erreichen des zielgewichtes - regeln der finanzen - einen marathon laufen - bis oktober in eine grössere wohnung umziehen!
ganz schön viele dinge - dazwischen würd ich mir noch gerne meine zähne machen lassen.
wir werden lesen wie das ganze ausgegangen ist.
ein gutes neues jahr!

Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world...or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives. For better...or worse